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As the NBA regular season winds down, it’s time again for the inaugural NBA All-Pussy selection. “What did you just say!?!” You might be asking yourself in a stupor of self doubt. Ya, I said it – the NBA All-Pussy selection. I’ll feed you baby birds: This is a team constituting the greatest Pussies at each position, as voted upon by a one man selection committee with a splitting headache and a heart of gold. And a left index finger of mushy banana. Define pussy? Well it just doesn’t show up in stats. Sure, injuries play a huge part, but anyone can get injured. Taken into account are style of play, demeanor, and my personal perception. Level of talent is also critical to making the All-Pussy Team. The bigger the deal you are to your teammates, the bigger the pussy you become when you let them down due to injury, stupidity, or forgetting where you left your nuggets. For this reason, players like Kwame Brown and Darko Milicic will never make the team no matter how big of pussies they clearly are. In other words, the league may have many pussies, but these pussies are clearly the biggest:
Point Guard 1st Team: Baron Davis 
Baron receives top honors this year for both consistently being the biggest pussy at the point year after year, and for doing it again directly after signing a ginormous contract with the Clips. In a pussy move that surprised no one, he jumped from the lower-tiered Warriors to the bottom-tiered Clippers simply for the money. Then when his buddy Elton pulled a Baron, Boom Fizzle rode an imaginary injury in and out of the piss poor line-up until, surprise, he “had” to shut it down for the season. Typical pussy maneuver, Baron, except you get the nod because you’ve used this formula both to get out of bad seasons and to get out of bad teams in New Orleans, Golden State, and now L.A.
Point Guard 2nd Team: Gilbert Arenas
At first I didn’t want to believe it either. Fact is Agent 0 uses his crazy to hide his pussy-itis remarkably well. However, look past the yelling “Hibachi!”, the halftime online poker, and the in-game shower and you’ll see actions surprisingly similar to Baron. Huge contract followed by season ending injury coupled with a history of time off when your team is, uh, struggling is the formula for a pussy. At least Arenas kept hope alive with promises of being ready to play by the start of the season, no December, wait the New Year, no wait Yom Kippur! You’re a hell of an entertaining pussy, Mr. 0, but you’re a pussy all the same.
Shooting Guard 1st Team: Tracy MacGrady 
You did it! You finally did it! Losing in the first round of the playoffs 58 times didn’t do it. Publicly admitting you quit on your Orlando Magic team couldn’t get you over the hump. But this year, lazy eye and all, you managed to be a bigger pussy than your cousin, Vince! After the Rockets went out and signed the best/craziest free agent of the offseason and looked unstoppable on paper, the man with the mental fortitude of wet paper showed up to training camp out of shape and proceeded to hold the team hostage for half the season with invisible injuries before announcing to the world before his teammates that he would be getting the old micro-frac at an attempt to validate his imaginary knee problems. Kudos to you, T-Mac, we’ll see you at your retirement announcement after you realize that coming back from micro-fracture surgery is a lot harder than faking an injury.
Shooting Gu ard 2nd Team: Vince Carter
Don’t worry Vince, you didn’t drop far on the All-Pussy squad. While this year you lacked any real melt-downs and even seemed to play hard on occasion, your typical routine of coming up lame around the end of the 1st quarter, heading into the locker room after a ginger attempt at remaining in the game, coming back for the end of the third and donning the signiature “VC grimace” makes you a far bigger pussy than any other 2 guard in the National Basketball Association. In fact, I know 6th grade girls who could out tough you. The real Vinsanity is that your teammates never roll their eyes as you’re clutching you’re ankle in pain after that pullup jumper at the start of the second.
Small Forward 1st Team: Carmelo Anthon y
I know what you’re thinking, “Melo isn’t injured that often!” I’ll give you that, but as I said earlier, it takes more than injuries to make a pussy. Take, for example, how Melo never looks in shape or even strong – he is the definition of a player who looks like he has no business playing basketball. But the defining moment for Melo is when he sucker punched then rookie Mardy Collins and proceeded to high tail it in the opposite direction. Come on, Melo, Mardy Collins' sister isn't even scared to take him on. (Look how tough he is over there with 30 feet and 150 people between him and Collins. He's got that scowl that says "If this white usher weren't holding me back, Mardy-I'd.....) That maneuver, coming off the heals of the Hardcore Gangsta Gangsta cameo in “Stop Snitchin” is enough to earn you a lifetime position on the All-Pussy team.
Small F orward 2nd Team: Boris Diaw
The committee fully admits to having trouble finding a suitable second team candidate at the small forward position. The best player at this position is Lebron and nobody’s gonna call him a pussy – at least not to his face. Diaw (nice glamour shot) gets the nod over Andrei Kirilenko for two glaring reasons: his game (and body) is softer than 2-ply, and he’s a Frenchie. Also, anyone who’s watched the reckless abandon with which AK-47 hurls himself after loose balls knows he’s not a pussy. AK might break down and cry in the playoffs, get injured every 2 months, and lose every driving possession in a whirling dervish of flailing bony appendages, but Boris Diaw is French. He’s French!!
Power Forward 1st Team: Carlos Boozer
Congratulations are in order to Carlos Boozer for proving that the 2005-06 hamstring injury was no fluke – he is a bona fide pussy! Boozer’s injuries are especially pussy in that each one began as a small “day-to-day” injury that progressively got worse until he was missing half the season. There were no TJ Ford being carried off in a stretcher moments where you winced and said, “Shit! I hope he’s gonna heal enough to live a normal life!” Nope, the rugged mountain of a man from Alaska felt something sore on each occasion and proceeded to sit out until he “felt no more pain.” Feel no more pain!?! I’m a 28-year-old dork who sits behind a desk all day, and even I feel a little sore getting up every morning! When healthy there is no denying Boozer is a top 5 power forward; however, even when healthy Boozer plays the game like a pussy. Ever seen him dive for a loose ball? Me neither. Ever seen him play literal matador defense? Me too. One thing Jazz fans have certainly come to know, and for which Booz deserves credit: The man does look good in a suit.
Power Forwa rd 2nd Team: Elton Brand
Elton Brand gets the nod over perennial pussy Kenyon Martin (that’s right K-mart, you pussy, cross those Rocky Mountains and try to find me – I dare you!) for being a hybrid of Baron Davis and Carlos Boozer. First there’s the Boozer - missing large chunks of multiple seasons – portion of his resume. Although, in his defense, a ruptured Achilles tendon is a manly injury – it killed one of the greatest warriors of Greek literature! Second he bolts the love of the home crowd for a huge cash advance and ends up providing a very poor return on investment – aka Baron Davis’ career. Although again, in this case, you get the feeling the 76er’s would actually be worse if he hadn’t gotten injured and shut it down. Elton Brand – this year’s mercy flush! PS-I defy you to find a funny picture of Elton Brand. It simply doesn't exhist.
Center 1st Team:JermaineO’Neal
Center is a tough position to pick from. As the ultimate big man position, those who are relevant to their teams  generally do not fall into the pussy category. Don’t get me wrong, there are a plethora of pussies at the 5, but nearly all of them can be found sitting at the end of the bench due, in large part, to their pussy tendencies. Yes, Shaq is sensitive and can dish it out but can’t take it, but I’m not calling him a pussy – to his face. Yao is injury prone, but he played the Olympics on a broken foot! He gets a pass. Jermaine O’Neal is the exception that continues to be in demand around the league despite being a total pussy and sitting out hurt large portions of every season. I can only assume his multiple injuries are the result of his body trying to support the giant cranium he’s packing. It’s like an orange on a toothpick!!
Center 2nd Te am: Pau Gasol
I know, I know, he rarely is injured. But this one goes purely on demeanor. I mean look at him! What a pussy! He has been criticized for being soft, but that constant chest pounding and whining to the official puts him over the top. Pau registers a 9.5 on the Pussy Richter Scale. That's enough Pussy to destroy a whole city. Plus, just look at that bitch-ass face! I'm guessing that the average NBA fan on the street feels like he wouldn't even need a weapon to take Pau in a fight. I've wondered how I would feel if my favorite team had been able to rob Pau from the Grizzlies like the Lakers did last year, and I've come to the conclusion I would feel unhappy, because now I have to watch this sack of shit play every game.
All-Pussy Coach: Phil Jackson
Phil might as well be enshrined in the Pussy Hall of Fame. There are many aspects to the pussy that is Phil: that intellect ual Zen bullshit, his “special chair” that he has to take to each game cause his ass ain’t manly enough to sit in a normal chair, his constant crying to refs, and the fact that after every Laker loss Phil attributes their troubles to poor officiating. Even his name is pussy: Philip Douglas Jackson. You stick the name Philip on someone and it is a near gaurantee they will be a giant pussy. Then, you add Douglas? Ouch. It’s also fitting that Jackson is coaching in LA, as he is the same spineless, smug, yuppy retard that embodies the successful in Hollywood. (If you weren't offended by this paragraph, then you probably aren't A) Zen buddhist B)Laker Fan C)Friend or Family of Phil Jackson D) Someone named Philip E)A Retard or a relative or a retard F)From Hollywood G)Someone who is offended by the gratuitous usage of the word "Pussy.)
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, Tai.
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