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Recently, I watched the epic Star Wars trilogy. Few movies can take me back to my childhood and bring me unbridled joy like these. Did I watch Episodes I, II, and III? Of course not. Why? Because I know that those movies are giant piles of donkey droppings. In fact to me, they, like Karate Kid IV, or whatever the hell it was called, don't even exist. They were simply cash grabs by their respective filmmakers.
So after finishing the legendary Return of The Jedi, I got to thinking: What if I were to recast Star Wars, and fill it with NBA players? Who would I place in each role? Why would I think such a thing? Because I was high on ludes. Not really, but that would be a better explanation than the truth: because I am a dork with no life but to think of insane things like this. No matter. Basically what I am going to do here is prove that I am a casting genius. Hopefully, Hollywood is reading this blog. I am available.
Luke Skywalker: Steve Nash
This was a tough decision, as I love Luke like a brother and I want to remember him as the more powerful Jedi of the last film, but you have to remember that for the most part, Luke is a smallish, weak, whiny guy, so I felt like I had no choice but to go with Steve Nash. I know Nash is pushing 40, but he still has that boyish look. And have you watched him play? Dude never stops crying. "But I was going to Tacche station to pick up some power converters!" "No. No. That's not true, that IMPOSSIBLE! Noooooooooooooo! No!" At the same time, Nash is very talented and capable of great things. If he really had the force, maybe he could have used an old Jedi mind trick to keep Amare Stoudamire and Boris Diaw on the bench during the fracas of the '07 playoffs that cost the Suns their last legitimate chance at a title. Alas.
Princess Leia: Carlos Boozer
For the role of Leia, I need someone who has softness and femininity, yet is also strong willed with a high sex appeal. Who else but Boozer for this role? Boozer has shown wonderful acting skills during his NBA tenure. He acted like he would resign with the Cavs, fooling the blind man owner Gordon Gund, and then he has acted hurt several times over the past few seasons, turning "pulled" hamstrings into 6 months of vacation. Sure, he would have to don a wig and makeup, but who else in the NBA would better fit? I also had to take into consideration the bikini scene in the abode of Jabba the Hut, and I think that Boozer's pert rack would, although disturbingly so, fill the brass bikini quite well. The scenes between Leia and Han Solo would be awkward, but if Jake Gillenhall and Heath Ledger could do it, so can Carlos Boozer and our next actor:
Han Solo:Shaquille O'neal
When I really thought about what made Han a great character, I came up with the following attributes: Handsome, daring, cocky, and funny. Indeed, Leia liked him because he was a "scoundrel." Seeing as how Shaq is basically the only guy in the league besides maybe Dwight Howard who is funny, I didn't know who else to go with. On top of that, Shaq is handsome, cocky, and daring, as evidenced by his recent exploits with the Ron Jeremy feud. I know Shaq can pull this off, because I saw Kazaam. Dude has the chops to play Han Solo-period! Check out the vid, yo. Acting SKILLZ!
Chewbacca: Chris Anderson
For the role of Chewy, I need someone very tall, very hairy, and capable of speaking in grunts and groans. Anderson fills this roll well. For some reason, I can't picture the Birdman saying anything in real life. In fact, I actually imagine him grunting and pointing in real life. He has the perfect body and mindset for Chewy, and probably already speaks Wookie. In fact, I heard he has already started learning how to fix the Millenium Falcon in preparation for his new role. That damned hyperdrive never seems to work the way it should, and I know, I know Han, it's not your fault.
C3PO: Chris Paul
Chris Paul would make an excellent C3P0. Think about it. His nickname is CP3. He's three-fourths of the way there already. Start practicing your Brittish accent, Chris.
R2-D2: Gilbert Arenas
I think Gilbert has the skills to pull of the humorous little droid. I don't know if he can act, but in the R2-D2 outfit, it doesn't really matter, does it? We'll have a computer do all those damned beeps and he just has to occasionally shake, rotate the head, and show a projection. Also, Gil's demeanor is similar to our little droid friend: you think he's all fun and games, and sooooo cute, but if you cross him, you'll find out he's a feisty little buggar. This shit writes itself.
Lando Calrissian: Adam Morrison
When I think of Lando Calrissian, I think of a smooth talker with a great cape and an even better mustache. Who better than Adam Morrison? I know he cut his 'stache, but that can be grown back easily. Besides, I swear I saw him wearing a cape at Staples last week. Remember how Billy D. Williams, the actor that played Lando in the original films went on to pimp Colt 45 malt liquor in legendary fashion? Well, Colt 45, I have your new spokesman. Watch the video and insert Adam with your imagination. But in regards to the movie, just imagine Adam coming out of the door in Cloud City, meeting the beautiful Carlos Boozer (Leia) winking at her/him, and then gently kissing her/his hand and commenting on her/his beauty. Faaaantastic.
Obi-Wan Kinobi: Greg Popovich
This was a difficult casting, because I think Pop is a little bit too much of a red-ass for this part, but ultimately I went with him because with his new beard he just conveys wisdom. He kind of looks like an old, decrepit Jedi Master, doesn't he? Also, this will work on more levels when players chosen for the dark side are revealed.
Yoda: Sam Cassell
I know that Sam is technically a free agent and not in the NBA, and that Yoda was technically a puppet, but throw some green makeup on Cassel and he can easily pass as Yoda. I don't understand why everyone loves Yoda so much, I thought he was kind of lame. Who talks like that?
Imperial Stormtroopers: the Los Angeles Clippers
One of my favorite parts of the movies is in episode IV, when Obi-Wan sees a downed ship and asks Luke if the Sand People could be so accurate with their blasters. He then proceeds to explain that no, only Imperial Stormtroopers could be so accurate. And then, over the next 2 and a half movies, the same Imperial Stormtroopers proceed to be so accurate that they never hit a damn thing once. They are so inept, so awful, and so stupid that only the Clippers could fit to play this role.
Jabba The Hut: Jerome James
I had to look it up, but I see that Jerome has recently been traded to the Chicago Bulls. You may or may not know who Jerome is unless you are a fan of the New York Knicks, but know this: he signed a deal even more massive than he is about 5 years ago and since he signed it, he has done less in the NBA than I have. For the role of Jabba, I need someone girthy and stout, someone who could really fit the suit. Jerome is listed at 285, but there is simply no way that is accurate. In fact, it appears that Jerome probably ate someone who weighed 285 back in '07. Hey, I'm sure this will be a dream role for Jerome, who will get to see Carlos Boozer up close and personal in that brass bikini.
Darth Vader: Kobe Bryant
Some other blog recently put a picture of Kobe Bryant in a Darth Vader outfit, right as I was formulating this idea. Thanks some other blog for making me look like a copycat. I don't care, because he is the right fit for this role. Kevin Harline has said it time and again: He's a cold-blooded assassin. Bryant has killed the hopes and dreams of many teams over his career as the apprentice to the emperor. If I had to guess, I would say that Bryant is more machine than man. I don't know what that means, but I wrote it anyway. I dislike Kobe strongly, and fear him even more, but deep down inside, I know there is still good in him.
The Emperor: Phil Jackson
Who else could play the Emperor but Philip Jackson, with his apprentice, Kobe Bryant? If he could only get Steve Nash to join forces with him, together they could rule the galaxy. Jackson has the arrogance, the pomp, and the sinister mind to play this part to perfection. However, he, like the Emperor, have a weakness: Overconfidence. He may be trying to set a trap for the Celtics, like the Emperor did for the pitiful Rebel Alliance, but he will meet the same fate as said Emperor: He will be thrown down an air shaft and some weird-ass lightning will signal his demise. That, or he will lose in the Finals. We shall find out what his destiny is.
So there you have it. If I have made an error in my casting, I'm sure it won't be worse than having Hayden Christensen play Annakin Skywalker in the new movies. How could it be?
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