Do you ever look at a couple and wonder how they ever got together? They are both so ugly or fat or a combo of both that you just have to scratch your head in awe and bewilderment at how strong the biological urge for love and sex is.

I mean, at what point do you just give up the fight and decide "Screw it. I ain't gonna do better than him." Him being a 600 pounder? When do people stop being attracted to attractive people and go for complete dogs? Is it when they decide that they are too ugly to pull someone attractive? We've all seen plenty of ugly dudes with the hottest of chicks, so I think that ugly people really need to keep the faith. Oh, and I heard that it helps to be rich, too.

Now, those who know me are probably saying to themselves "don't you tip the scales at 3 bills, at least?" Yes. I'll readily admit that at present I am not especially attractive or thin, but what I am is awesome.  And I have straight teeth.  And limited back hair.  And did I mention that I'm awesome?  That's what they tell me, anyway. Despite my current status as a fat sandwich I can't think I would ever give in to some fat sow who needs to be taken out to pasture every few hours. I'm not talking about regularly ugly people here. I'm talking about 5 percenters. The real bowsers.  And please, for our female readers, don't be overly offended.  I think women settle for big fat ugly 'tards all the time.  More often, in fact than men do.

Let me tell you a story.  I once worked with a woman who literally wieghed over 450 lbs. She told me a story that I could never forget. She told me about what happens to her from time to time. See, this woman had huge rolls of fat. And sometimes, she'd start smelling a foul odor and realize it was coming from in-between her rolls of fat. I believe she used the term "cheesy curd" to describe the unpleasant surprise she found in her dark creases. She had such a hard time drying her mass off after a shower that the dampness, combined with the darkness in her bodily crevasses, would form an actual rotten growth on her body. I never knew why she told me this, and I don't think I will ever be able to forgive her for doing so.

All that being said, the amazing thing about this woman is that she had like 6 kids. Someone actually had familial relations with her at least 6 times. How drunk would you have to get to do it with someone who has cheesy curd growing on them? I don't care how much my wife loves me, if I ever start growing cheesy curd in my rolls I hope she refuses to be intimate with me. Her husband had no such qualms. On top of that, he was a little fellow. Like rail thin, 5'6". The sheer logistics of their love making boggle the mind. Say what you will, but those two must have had some imagination for geometry and angles.

I know, I know, I am just a shallow jerk. Maybe some people can see love without any physical beauty. OR maybe they can see physical beauty that I just can't. If so, then shame on me and kudos to them. They say beauty is only skin deep, and that is true on many levels. Of course, in the long run intelligence, a sense of humor, and a good personality are much more important than looks, but you have to figure that at some point if things go well you are going to be introducing your private regions to those of the other person. Maybe that is the power of darkness. Maybe it is the power of 80 proof Vodka. Maybe some people get turned on by different things. Hell, I don't know.

At this point, you may be asking yourself what this all has to do with sports.  Nothing.  I mean, I could compare fat seduction to being a Milwaukee Bucks fan, but why? Isn't that like shooting ducks in a barrel? (Don't tell me it wouldn't be easier to shoot ducks in a barrel than to shoot fish in a barrel, ducks are way bigger.)

In the end, I guess it doesn't matter. There really is someone for everyone, even really, really ugly and fat people and hillbillies with no teeth :) So if you are a true brown bagger or double brown bagger, cheer up, there is definitely someone out there willing to down 10 shots of vodka and go to a dark room and make some mistakes with you. I guess it has to be that way, or the human race would disappear.

BYE. 

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