I know there is no way for a parent to look into the future and see that their newborn child will someday become a famous athlete, but that shouldn’t matter. A parent should be first and foremost concerned with the well being of their child. With this in mind they should take great care in naming their baby something that will not get the poor kid picked on for the rest of their life. Children can be so cruel and adults can be even worse. I have put together a list of the worst names in sports history and judging from this group of truly horrible names it is obvious that these people’s parents not only didn’t have a clue, but didn’t give a damn about the potential emotional scars their carelessness would most assuredly inflict.

10. George Shorthose – WR NFL 1985

Before anyone says anything about the bad name being George’s surname and his parents couldn’t do anything about it, I just want to say that his father should have had that name legally changed the day he turned 18 years old. Even if it’s true, you’ve got to get rid of that thing before some team in the NFL sews it across your kid’s back. It seems the only thing shorter than George’s hose was his NFL career as he only returned one kickoff for 11 yards in 1985.

9. Craphonso Thorpe – WR NFL 2005-Present

I don’t care how he says you pronounce it. We all know how you really pronounce it and deep down so does he. This is an example of how a parent can take a completely pedestrian last name like Thorpe and make a complete mockery of it by slapping Craphonso on the front of it. Can you imagine this poor guy’s nickname growing up? His dad’s name is probably Alphonso and his mom’s is something like Crystal and they thought they would do something cute like put their names together to name their kid. Think people. Please think before you name your kid Craphonso.

8. Harry Colon – DB NFL 1991-1997

Really? Really mom and dad? Harry was the best you could come up with to pair with Colon? How about Semi, or anything besides Harry? There was a guy who lived across the street from me when I was growing up and his name was Harry Balle and you can probably imagine that my brothers and I had a heyday with that. I thought it couldn’t get any better than that, but when Colon’s mom and dad dropped Harry on him when he was born I was proven wrong.

7. Pete LaCock – 1B/OF MLB 1972-1980

This name is made infinitely worse by the capitalization of the Cock part. In this case the blame doesn’t lie on the parents. Pete’s dad, Peter Marshall of Hollywood Squares fame had the sense to change his horrible last name to Marshall and his son should have followed suit. Unfortunately, Pete loved LaCock and judging from his .257 career batting average and 27HR in 9 years he sucked it too.

6. Albert Pujols – 1B MLB 2001-Present

At first Albert’s name does not seem to be one of the worst in sports history. On top of that the guy is the most dominate player in the game today so there will be many that are offended by his name being added to my list, but we must look closely to see why he is here. If pronounced correctly using the Spanish pronunciation we see that Pujols is said “poo-holes” and that is very bad on any list. Major props for Albert when it comes to his baseball career, but if they can forge birth certificates in the Dominican Republic that say that Miguel Tejada was born in 1974 then why can’t Pujols change his last name to Perez like everybody else?

5. Misty Hyman – 200 meter butterfly 2000 Olympic gold medalist

Again the last name is really not her parent’s fault unless you blame her mother for taking her father’s last name at marriage, and I do. In a few cases I think that the man should take the woman’s last name upon being married and this is one of these rare cases. I once walked in on a conversation my little brother (yes Boyd) was having with my father and the first words I heard my dad say were “now what girls have is called a hymen.” It was a scaring moment in my young life, I can only imagine the pain Misty must have gone through with conversations like this always on the tip of everyone’s tongue (so to speak).

4. Assol Slivets – aerial skier 5^th place 2006 Winter Olympics

Sticking with the female athletes Slivets has to take the title of worst female name in sports history over Hyman because Hyman could at least go by Misty growing up whereas Slivets was always an Assol. I don’t care if she was born in Belarus and in whatever crazy language they speak there Assol has a different meaning than it does in English. I have to call a spade a spade and Assol is a horrible name in any language. Though they have the same feel to them, Assol is worse than Pujols, but only slightly.

3. Rusty Kuntz – DH/OF MLB 1979-1985

If Rusty was a girl then this name would have been in first place on my list for sure, but because Rusty was born with a shlong instead of a kuntz he only merits 3^rd place. True to his name, Rusty was always rusty, only hitting .236 over his career with 5HR. When they were handing out surnames wherever it was that they did that how did this family end up with Kuntz and another family end up with Smith? It hardly seems fair.

2. Dick Butkus – LB NFL 1965-1973

This is the most prestigious and highly decorated name on our list. Butkus was regarded as the best linebacker of his time and after his induction into the NFL Hall of Fame is certainly in the conversation as to who is the greatest linebacker of all time. I also thought his name was bar none the worst in sports history when I started researching this topic, but alas his is number two. With a last name like Butkus (pronounced butt-kiss for those of you living under a rock) his parents could not have done worse giving him Dick as his first name. I can’t imagine how the conversation went when mom and dad Butkus were discussing the name of their newborn son. “How about James? No, that’s too normal sounding. Joe? No. Frank? Honestly, who would name their child Frank? Wait, wait…I’ve got it. Dick! Oh, that’s perfect. Dick! It just rolls of the tongue, doesn’t it? Dick Butkus!” Good grief.

1. Johnny “Ugly” Dickshot – OF MLB 1936-1945

That’s right, folks. His name was Johnny “Ugly” Dickshot. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. John Dickshot is bad enough, but add to that his unfortunate nickname of “Ugly” and his name goes down in history as the worst name in sports history, no question. I know that in the 1930s the name probably did not have the same bad connotations as it does today, but I’m sure it had to sound really, really bad back then too. For the love of all that is holy, when you come to Ellis Island as an immigrant and they are handing out names don’t let them pressure you into Dickshot. I would have climbed back on the boat and sailed back from whence I came if they had tried that crap with me.

Best of Show: Gregor Fucka – Forward FC Barcelona/Italian National Team

I just couldn’t let this one go. What possible good does a name like Fucka do for anybody? If I were this dude’s dad I would have a shirt printed up for my wife that said “Mother Fucka”, no lie. Why wasn’t Gregor better so that he could have made it to the NBA and we could have been blessed to hear Marv Albert yell, “And Fucka throws one down!” or “Yes, and it counts Fucka from downtown!”

Honorable Mentions:

Ben Gay – RB NFL 2002

Dick Trickle – NASCAR

Miroslav Satan – NHL

Lucious Pusey – Div 1-AA linebacker

Chubby Cox – NBA

Dick Pole - MLB

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